10 Tips from a Seasoned Mama
I am often asked about how I managed or did things when my boys were little, so I have put together my top 10 pieces of advice to parents. Enjoy!
Car Money Nothing like being told at 7 in the morning while in the drop off car line, that your child needs $6 for a workbook or $13 for the class t-shirt only to not have the cash on hand and no time to write a check. Car money is for all those little things your kids need when they are in that busy stage of life- 5 to 18 years old. Keep ones, fives and tens in your glove box for those unexpected expenses at those unexpected times. I typically tried to keep five one dollar bills, two five dollar bills, and a ten dollar bill in my car just so I wouldn’t be stressed when I needed money, but didn’t have time to run by the bank to make a withdrawal. This still comes in handy when you are shopping online, grab your wallet because your card isn’t saved on that website and forget to put your wallet back in your purse only to realize it when you are fumbling for it while standing in line at the grocery store trying to pay for your purchases.
Master Daily Schedule to be used in case of emergency. When my children were young and we didn’t have a schedule created for us by school, I would make a master daily schedule that included everything from the time the children woke up until it was their bedtime. This schedule usually had a new activity every 30-60 minutes listed on it. This was not a schedule I followed. I repeat, this was not a schedule I followed. This schedule was just for reference. When life would get overwhelming and I couldn’t make a simple decision, I knew I needed to reference the schedule. I would just find the time and look to see what activity we were scheduled to do at the time and then did it. It gave me peace to stop making a bunch of decisions and know that the activity we were doing was one I felt was right when I made the schedule. It was my way of taking a mental break from the overwhelming chaos and overabundance of choices that motherhood can become when we are focused on being a good mom. By giving myself that out, I allowed myself the freedom to stop analyzing and stop worrying about every decision I had to make that day. I didn’t have to use this method on a daily basis, but I was grateful I had the master daily schedule each time I pondered way too long on what to make the kids for lunch. That was my cue that I was in analysis paralysis and I needed to simply refer to the master daily schedule until I could regain my own ability to find answers to simple tasks. It is also helpful when you want to know how well you are doing as a parent in a space where you don’t have benchmarks, rewards or recognition. I could just take a quick glance at the schedule and quickly assign myself a percentage of completion and determine if I was hitting my own goals or needed to change something in my routine. Again, my goals were ever changing and were never 100% because that’s just too much pressure as a parent of small children. Most of my goals were around 40-80% depending on the season I was in with the children. And some days, 10% was more than good enough for me to feel accomplished, such as virus days or snow days.
Gold Stars Sometimes as a parent you just need to reward yourself. I used stickers to motivate and keep track of my children’s progress when they were young. Everything from potty training, chore charts, school work, memory verses, or reading logs had stickers to track and reward my boys. So I would give myself stars for days that were particularly difficult or days I felt I accomplished a lot. The stars were meaningless and whether I actually peeled off stickers to put on a calendar day or not, just the mental note of getting five gold stars, was enough reward and recognition for me to confidently enjoy my time mothering my children. There are still days when I get done more than I expected or just feel really happy and I mentally give myself a gold star or two for a job well done. Just because I didn’t earn a paycheck and didn’t have a boss didn’t mean I didn’t want or need positive recognition for my efforts. And the gold stars prevented me from having expectations that my husband would fulfill the role of boss, manager or supervisor, notice my many accomplishments and give me feedback in the form of words of praise and encouragement.
Simple Meal Planning I’m all about making less decisions and not having to process information constantly about meaningless topics, so I would plan out our meals for the week and then repeat the plan for the next three weeks in the month. I would simply have certain days designated as “chicken”, “beef”, “fish”, “veggie”, and “sandwich” during the week allowing for some repeats. I would then know what I was making for dinner every night without having to contemplate if we had just had that food too recently. This also allowed me to make specific meal plans so that grocery shopping was more effective, but I didn’t feel trapped by a well laid out meal plan for the month. The simple designation of what type of food was just enough boost to point me in the right direction but not so strict that I felt confined in my own plans. (I’m not sure others feel trapped by too many plans, but I certainly can. I need a little freedom to be creative and pivot if the situation calls for it.)
Car Clutter Catcher When you have small children there is a large quantity of items that accompany them wherever they go. From diaper bag supplies to toys, extra clothes or snacks, children just need a plethora of items on a daily basis. (This is also true of busy individuals who carry around a lot of books, samples or to do lists) And because most people travel by car, the car can become extremely messy and filled with clutter over time. My solution was to have a market tote designated for the car just to keep all the items my children needed and I had when running errands. When my boys were very small, I had a separate one filled with emergency clothing, including socks and shoes and a jacket, for each child just in case they got dirty or the weather changed suddenly. I would use the other one to organize their snacks, the dry cleaning, any returns I had, and any toys they might want, but weren’t currently playing with at the time. At the end of the outing when we arrived back home, I would use the car clutter catcher to gather all of their left behind items out of the car to make transporting them back into the house a little easier on myself. This method also ensured that no forgotten snacks or shoes were left in the car to turn smelly or create frustration the next time we were getting ready to leave the house and couldn’t find that one missing shoe no matter how much we searched for it.
Comfort Items Bag Sometimes being a parent is just too hard and too much and you need something to reassure yourself that life is still good even when it is hard. I would stock a small tote bag with gifts for myself for when I needed a little reassurance. You may have noticed, I like to take matters into my own hands and not have to wait for others to do something for me in order for me to feel better. I like to be in charge of my own emotions, so I would get little items from the store periodically just to have when I needed a little pick me up. It could be travel size lotions, body washes or conditioners, a magazine, a sudoku or a paperback book, small candies, trail mix or gum, fuzzy socks, a sleeping mask, or a new candle. It didn’t really matter what it was other than I like it and it wasn’t expensive. I did this so I wouldn’t be tempted to go shopping as a way to make myself feel better or to eat as a way to comfort my emotions. This also prevented me from yet again expecting my husband to recognize my feelings and have a solution ready to go for me in a moments notice. I find if I am able to just have a little something that I want when I want it, that my mood and emotions stay on a more even keel and my home life is happier. You could give yourself homemade coupons for time or take a walk or have reminders to drink more water. It doesn’t have to be an item, but it does need to be something that provides healthy comfort to you so that you can feel good when you start feeling lousy.
Put Yourself Together When I feel put together, my day seems to work better and my mood is more positive. My definition of being put together likely differs from yours, and that is perfectly fine and good. The idea is to do whatever it is that makes you feel put together. It could be a coordinated outfit, having your hair curled or straightened, wearing jewelry or perfume or it could be something completely different such as what makes you feel most comfortable or allows you to do all the work you have planned for the day. If you feel put together in jeans and a sweatshirt with a hat on and your favorite work boots, then do that. My mom is a jeans and sweatshirt kind of gal, who likes being dressed for the outdoors to do chores or ride horses, well, back in the day when she had horses, that is. I like to be a little more fancy than that, but I don’t live in a rural area like she did, so I don’t have outdoor chores or animals to tend to on a daily basis. Your put together could include other items like your travel mug of coffee or your favorite podcast for the day or making your bed every morning. It’s always important to do what works for you even if it isn’t what works for others. Whatever put together looks like for you, if you make an effort to do that daily, you will feel better and treat others better.
Get a file box for your child. I would suggest buying a file box for your child when he/she is born and putting 18 hanging files in it. Each year put in your child’s important documents, art work, photos, etc so that you have all of their memories in one place when they are grown. I didn’t do this when my boys were young, but I did create these for them once they were grown so that they had all of their records and memories. By using a single hanging file folder for each year, you will be limited on what you can keep so you will need to be choosy and each year will have a record of your child’s accomplishments and memories.
Pack your kids’ clothes in zipper bags When travelling with kids, especially young children, pack their outfits including socks and underwear in individual zipper bags so that you don’t have search through an overstuffed suitcase trying to locate items. This is especially great for long trips because after a few days, the suitcase’s organization can get destroyed and this allows others, such as family members, to help get the little ones ready. The zipper bags are also handy for day outings to store wet or soiled items should that be necessary.
Screens are a privilege Keep all screens and chargers in a central open family area. This includes all gaming consoles, all phones, all tablets and all computers for the children in the household. We are a tech savvy family and as parents we knew that no amount of parental controls could prevent our children from visiting sites we wouldn’t like, so we had our boys set up in the main living area of the home with their computers. And we continued this until they turned eighteen even if they were still living at home past eighteen. We also made it a point to play the games they play, with them if possible. If you are engaged in your child’s activities, not only does it make you more aware of what is going on in his life, but it also provides tons of bonding opportunities and moments. Will your child try to defy you on this rule? Yes. Does it mean the rule is still the rule? Yes. Parenting isn’t about finding the best system that everyone loves and no one tries to breach. It is about setting guidelines, boundaries and standards for your child as a means of protection, not control. It is important as a parent that you know the difference between guidelines, boundaries and standards and when each one is the appropriate approach for your child, and yes, this will change from child to child. Not all ten years olds are alike and neither are all sixteen year olds, so no sense creating rules that can’t be customized to each individual child because the goal is to help them learn and grow in a protected environment, not to be controlled by rules for the sake of rules.
