Family Still Matters to Grown Up Kids
It was a chilly 48 degrees this morning, so I moved my family’s tennis court reservation from 8 am to 10 am. It’s now 60 degrees and my menfolk, as I call the collective of my husband and sons, and I are about to play tennis for two hours.
I never knew how much our family would enjoy having a shared sport. And I never guessed that the sport would be tennis.
It’s nice to know that family traditions, stuff we do together, things we mutually enjoy can be created and cultivated after the children are grown.
To read some of the heart wrenching, drama filled posts and blogs about children growing up and missing the little faces and hands of small kids, one could believe that the good times end when the kids turn 18.
I’m here to say that is a pack of lies and that life continues to thrive and flourish once all the children become adults. Family still matters when everyone is an adult and new experiences can still occur throughout our lives.
There is no expiration date or deadline in creating and establishing new family traditions, so keep dreaming and building the family you want to have, even after the kids are grown.
It’s the Little Things
I woke up early at 4 this morning and instead of fighting to go back to sleep, I decided to embrace my early morning schedule and make some coffee. As I enter the kitchen, I see the coffee maker pulled forward on the counter and the pot is filled with coffee. I touch the carafe and sure enough, that coffee is still hot, so someone had to have just made it. I knew my husband had to be the one to make the coffee because he is only one who pulls the entire maker forward and leaves it there while the coffee brews. Puzzled as to how or why my husband made me coffee at such an early time, I go and ask him about it. He tells me that he was up dealing with a work situation and the coffee was made for himself, but I'm getting the benefit. He says,” Enjoy!” before he turns over to go back to sleep.
It's nice when inconveniences like doing late night work and being up early for no reason collide and a shared need, like coffee, makes me feel loved and blessed and makes my husband feel happy that he was able to bless my unplanned early start to my day with a hot pot of coffee. So much of the joy and happiness in life can be found in accepting reality, such as being awake when you don't want to be or having to work late at night, and having the right perspective, sharing a pot of coffee is sharing life with someone.
I don’t know that I would say that this is the secret to our success, but I will say being able to find the silver linings in non-ideal circumstances is a key component to our mutual desire to keep living life together.
Christian Parenting is Based on Faith
Being a Christian parent means that I have faith in God. Not faith in my abilities. Not faith in my family, church, tribe, group, etc. Not faith in mankind. And certainly not faith in my children.
I am free from the bondage of worry, of being good enough, of doing the right thing, of having the right answer, and of knowing the path to take. I have one choice to make over and over and over again...to have faith and let God and trust God.
I am so grateful that I don't have to build a wall around my children (it certainly wouldn't be strong or high enough), I don't have to have a list of do's and don't's (it certainly wouldn't be full or complete), and I don't have to follow a protocol or series of steps like in the OT temples (I certainly would miss one of those). I can simply let go of any control, have faith in God's Word, trust the nature of God and be vigilant in prayer asking God to keep refining me so that I can be more and more aligned to His will or process.
I also have peace knowing that while I am being attacked when I am standing in the gap of my children's faith, because I am not allowing my children to be stolen by the enemy, that God's promises are true and all of the suffering does bring joy. I am also able to extend that peace to my children when they realize my tears and emotions have nothing to do with their failures and have everything to do with the growth process I am going through to allow God to keep forming me into His image. It is hard letting go, but it is important to do it for my own walk with the Lord and is how I disciple my children by demonstrating that change and healing are possible and profitable with God. As they watch this process, they see there is nothing to fear about change, correction or healing. They see the constant results, understand the process and know they too can trust in the Lord.
Our one and only job as parents is to keep pointing our children to Jesus so that they build lasting relationships with Him that will produce fruit and fulfillment in the form of disciples and peace.
Its Called Redemption, not Prevention for a Reason
Sometimes we have a hard time accepting that we are forgiven and I believe that is because we don’t understand what happened.
As a human having been created by God, we all sin because of the fall that occurred in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. (Genesis Chapters 2-3, Romans 5:12) That sin comes with a death penalty and punishment. (Romans 6:23, John 3:16) So once we understand that we all have sinned and have earned a death penalty and punishment for that sin, we can now understand how we are redeemed.
Jesus illustrated the punishment we all live in daily with His teachings on the prodigal son. (Luke 15:11-32) We all have taken what we could in this world, squandered it and ended up eating slop with pigs. This is our daily life. A hell of our own creation, a prison sentence we don’t even know we are living out every day of our lives. One needs to understand that prison and bondage we are under because of our sin.
Sin is like a debt. And we are forced to “pay off” that debt for our entire lives and entire eternity. (2 Thessalonians 1:19) Clearly we can’t pay off that debt, so this would mean we would have no way to achieve freedom and would be stuck in a perpetual prison or hell. But God.
God had a plan for this and that is Jesus Christ. The life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is what removes that death penalty and punishment penalty from our lives. This is where most people get confused.
We have already sinned and incurred the penalties. We are already living with this penalty. So we would need redemption, not prevention.
There is no way to prevent someone from sinning. Even if you were raised attending church and know the Lord, you will still sin. It is part of our human condition. Not how we were designed from the beginning, but how we are because of the fall of mankind. So we are always trying to realign ourselves with God instead of our human nature because our human nature is filled with sin and God has no sin.
When we are redeemed, we are now free to focus on that realignment instead of being punished. That redemption is what gives us freedom from sin. Not freedom to sin, but freedom from the shackles of sin that got put on us through the sins of Adam and Eve.
We need to always keep the mindset that we have been freed from the death penalty, meaning we will be resurrected and live for eternity and that we have been freed from our eternal punishment penalty so that we can live in freedom pursuing our relationship with God. Understanding these concepts produces the fruit of humility and gratitude in us and makes our hearts soft. (Hebrews 13:15-16, Galatians 5:22-23, Psalm 51:10, Philippians 4:7)
When we understand what we lost to sin, our relationship with God, we can then be overjoyed that God has given us a way to be close to Him again…by believing that Jesus Christ took on our suffering, died for all of our sins, and then was resurrected so that we may have eternal life with God. Where we were once condemned, we are now free. ( Romans 8:1) We are Redeemed!
If Truth is Like Water, Your Life Should Be Built for Water
My life can appear struggle free depending on the perspective one has. I know my life has struggles, but others often perceive that I am doing nothing and have no clue how difficult life is for them. That’s a lie and a sad lie at that.
I believe in the Truth, meaning God’s Truth, meaning God is Truth. As a Christian, this fact is one of many facts that I have built my life on, like a foundation for the house that is my life. If I believe that God’s Truth flows like water into every crevice and area of my life, then it stands to reason I am going to create a life where flowing water works with my life.
But I see where others see the Truth as flowing water that they want to avoid and control and contain. They fabricate dams to hold back that Truth water and spend a great deal of time trying to plug cracks in their dams to prevent the Truth from wrecking the world they have created. This world is of course a fantasy that doesn’t exist in reality, but to the individual who created it, it is as real as you or me. And of course the dam is fake too, but to the person who is hurriedly trying to prevent a flood, that dam is what is keeping them alive. And they react like a drowning person most of the time- in a panic, kicking and screaming.
So if the Truth flows like water, why doesn’t everyone just build their life like Venice, Italy? Why doesn’t everyone just float on the water, going with the flow and not trying to remove the water?
I believe it is because people don’t know that the Truth is a good thing. They don’t know that the water is a good thing. They believe the Truth is going to harm them, much like a virus or plague. Why do they believe this? Most assuredly it is because of a lie.
They believe a lie that if they keep the Truth out of their lives, then they won’t be labeled a bad person. That the only thing separating them from being labeled a bad person is that floodwater known as Truth. So they try to keep the Truth as far way from themselves as possible. And this results in people constructing dams in their minds and fearing the Truth.
But if you embrace the Truth, your life will look like mine. Like a person floating on a raft, just going with the flow, not even worrying about paddling. A life spent in enjoyment instead of panic. A life spent being grateful instead of resentful.
I want to encourage you to think about how good your life would be if you just allowed the Truth to come in and flow through your life. How much energy and time would you have if you didn’t need to worry about keeping the Truth at bay? How content and loved would you feel if you could relax and just float all day? How many things could you do that would bring you joy if your time was spent embracing the Truth waters?
Come float with me. Come on in, the water’s fine.
Say Yes To Yourself
I had another great tennis lesson this morning followed by my favorite post game meal/breakfast: keto nut granola, Greek yogurt deconstructed parfait bowl. Mmmm yum!
I had never really played tennis before last year. I had only attempted to hit the ball with a racket a few times in my younger days just fooling around on the court with friends. I played about 6 times last year, none of which were very good because I didn’t know what I was doing or how the game was played.
I started playing again this year about a month ago and I have been playing 2-3 times a week still trying to learn the game and get used to hitting the ball. These matches have been a great learning tool, but nothing beats an actual lesson.
Today was my 3rd lesson and I am finally starting to gain some skills. Taking lessons has shown me all the things I didn’t know about tennis and how the sport, like most sports, has more skill than is obvious to the observer.
I know you may not care what I do or what I eat, but I hope you care about you! Care about learning something new, care about picking back up something you enjoyed doing in your past, care about eating food you like that makes you feel good, basically, just care about taking care of yourself.
My whole reason for discussing anything about my life is to inspire you to think about the life you want and feel empowered to takes steps to create it. Maybe you don’t want to play a sport or eat to lose weight.
Maybe instead, you want to paint a mural in your living room or eat the food that was your favorite as a child. Maybe you want to watch every game your team plays this season, maybe you want to make the perfect sauce for wings. Whatever your thing is, the thing you have been putting off doing, I want you to say yes to it.
Say yes to something good you have been saying no to for way too long.
Say yes to a dream, say yes to a goal, say yes to something you think may be too silly try, say yes to an adventure. Say yes to you!
It isn’t a Choice Between Faith or Fear
We spent the year of 2020 discussing fear of some sort. Fear of Covid. Fear of masks. Fear of death. Fear of loss of Freedom. I spent that year not in fear and not telling people to not fear. I spent the year being Fine in Faith.
Because I have faith, I don’t have fear. Faith and fear are opposites. Like North and South. Or up and down. Or left and right. You can’t be in both places or concepts at the same time. You can’t have all AND nothing at the same time. It is one or the other.
That’s how faith and fear work. If I have faith, I don’t have fear. Simple as that.
All the discussions about choosing faith over fear are illogical and biblically incorrect as explained in 1 Corinthians 2:14-16 and Matthew 6:24.
If we have the mind of Christ and discern things spiritually and have one master, Jesus Christ, then we have no reason or need to fear anything. We would know that nothing can harm us outside of the will of God.
I know that death has been defeated by Jesus Christ because He was resurrected (2 Timothy 1:10), so I don’t fear death.
I know that I have freedom in Christ (John 8:36), so I don’t fear losing American freedoms. ( on a side note, I appreciate the freedoms afforded to me by the United States of America and I am grateful for them, but they are not even close to equal to the freedom given to me through Jesus Christ)
I know that disease and sickness are not God’s plan for us and that Jesus Christ healed the sick, so I don’t fear disease. (Isaiah 53:5)
I know that all authority is given to Jesus Christ, so I don’t fear politicians or leaders. (Matthew 28:18)
Because I know all of these things, there is no choice to fear. I cannot be double-minded and be a disciple of Jesus Christ because I would be too unstable and confused to follow the narrow path. (James 1:8)
As we come to the close of 2021, understand that your choice for faith was already made when you accepted Christ. Don’t look at the happenings of the world and allow fear to uproot your faith, instead declare your faith in the face of fear. Speak the Word of God to all the plots and schemes of the world.
It isn’t Faith over Fear. It is Faith. Just Faith.
Just Breathe and
Trust God
One Little Thing…
Sometimes life gets the best of us. We struggle to maintain our peace and keep going. We struggle to be who we are meant to be. We struggle to not get hurt and then struggle to move past hurts. Sometimes it is too much and we just fall apart.
If that's you, then know, it's me too. There are days when the weight of the world seems too much. When slogging through problems and emotions feels like walking in knee-deep wet sand. When the ability to rise above becomes a skill I used to have and not a skill I still possess.
It can all start with one little thing. And then before you know it, you have scoured the recesses of your mind and found a million more little things to add to the pile. None of these little things matter on their own, but when grouped together they become a insurmountable problem that is crushing you.
I believe this is how fiery darts feel. I believe this crushing of my spirit is part of scheme. I believe this happens every time I am about to step up and out in faith.
There is no logical reason for me to all of sudden remember every insult, hurt, bad word, mistreatment, rejection, etc. that ever happened to me. There is no reason for me to roll them all into a ball. There is no reason for me to put that ball at the top of the hill and go stand at the bottom waiting to be crushed by the giant ball of hurt. I would never chose to treat myself this way, but here I am, filled with anxiety and fear about being crushed by that ball.
So what to do about this impending fate?
For starters, dismantle the ball.
Remember these are all little things that aren't harmful on their own. They are like little butterflies or hummingbirds or snowflakes or raindrops. One or two or three at a time aren't a big deal.
Dismantle the lies.
I am not who others say I am or how they treat me. I am who God says I am and how He treats me. I'm not trading His perfect love for me, for some worthless words, actions or attitudes. People don't have the power to redefine, recreate, remake or redo what God has defined, created, made or done...and that includes me. I don't suddenly become less just because someone tells me I am or treats me like I am. I am who God says I am and if others don't like that or think that isn't "fair" they need to take that up with God, not me. I didn't create myself and I can't change the good God created in me into something broken to save someone else the trouble of having to change what is broken in them into the good thing God created in them in the first place. Me breaking myself will never make another person whole.
Dismantle the enemy.
This isn't about other people at all. It is about the enemy that makes friends get hurt over misunderstood words. That makes families hold onto hurts and stop talking. That makes spouses fight over who is the biggest victim in the relationship. That makes strangers take offense to attitudes and actions of others. These are the same tactics everyday, everywhere, everyone, every time. No new tricks. I stand against these attacks on my mind and emotions and say NO, I will not be "made" to feel or think anything I don't want to. I have the power over my own mind and emotions. I am not a slave to them, they are a slave to me. The minute I say NO and take the power back, the scheme is done. The feelings fade, the thoughts stop and peace is resumed. Once I remember whose I am and who I am in Christ, the enemy has to flee. His tricks only work if I am too confused to remember the power I possess through what Jesus did on the cross.
If you feel hurt, let down, betrayed, unloved or a myriad of other negative emotions, just remember that none of them are true. No person can hurt you more than God can heal you. No enemy is more powerful than the sons and daughters of the King. Make a choice to step back into your true identity. Make a choice to say NO to the schemes to hurt you. Make a choice to use your God given power to defeat all enemies in Jesus' name.
"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31
Thoughts on Parenting
The point of parenting isn't to produce a product. It is to unconditionally love another person, which is the point of all relationships. Parenting is unique because it is unequal from the beginning and remains unequal for life.(just like our relationship with God)
Although my children have become adults, I will never have a relationship based on us being at the same level or being equals in the sense of responsibility to the relationship.(Just like our relationship with God. He will always be God and I never will)
I will always be the "adult" in the relationship no matter how old they get, so in a conflict, I need to always be the bigger person, regardless of my hurts. (Just like our relationship with God. He always loves regardless of our sin)
Parenting isn't about me.(Just like our relationship with God- it isn't about me, it is about God) It isn't about how well I did anything.
It is about another person who I will continually fight for, give to, be present for and love when they are hard to love. (God is the one who loves and searches and does on our behalf)
Parenting is having someone who is always there for a person even though that person doesn't recognize it. (God is there even when we don't believe He is)
As a parent, I give my children the tools they will need in life. I didn't give them every tool they need because I don't know or have access to all tools, but I gave them everything I could. It is up to my children to use their tools, it is a choice they will make.
When they don't use their tools, they learn lessons and those lessons help them make their choices next time. It is a process and it can take time for them to understand which variables change their results. (God gives us tools like prayer, worship, gifts of the Spirit,etc. and it is up to us to learn how to use them- that's why the Christian walk isn't perfect (meaning why Christians aren't perfect) because we make bad choices as part of the learning process)
So if you are raising children, remember it isn't about you. You will do your best and your children will make choices about the tools you have given them. They will make wrong choices, maybe over and over, but it's okay because they will learn.
If you have raised children then you know how hard parenting adults are with all the joys and sorrows. It is the same as having a newborn...for everything that makes them great, it also makes them difficult and we, the parents, can't just "make them" stop doing anything, just like we couldn't "make" a fussy baby stop crying. (God is the ultimate parent, so follow how He does it and realize that His children are often doing wrong or going the wrong way (not because He isn't perfect), but He is always guiding us and searching for us when we get lost.He doesn't force us or "make" us do anything- He always gives us choice.)
Have faith that God is loving your children more than you do or can.
Have faith that God is making up the gap between your ability and your children's needs.
Have faith that you don't have to or need to be good at parenting.
Have faith and trust that God's plans are higher, better and ultimately perfect compared to your plans.
Have faith and trust God.
Growing Children
With the start of a new school year, I have seen lots of adorable photos and posts about all of my friends' kids. Inevitably there are the comments about "Enjoying your kids because they grow up too fast" and such.
Grown kids are still your kids. Them being grown doesn't change that you are still a parent. And all those years that you endured tantrums, messes, illnesses, frustrations and then all the really great things too, those are the foundations for your lifelong relationships with your kids. And it really is okay if you don't enjoy it all.
It is okay if you feel overwhelmed, tired, annoyed or any other "less than perfect parent feeling" about raising kids. It is fine if you are glad to get a break, be it from a sitter, from school, from camp, etc. There is no rule that says you must enjoy every second of parenthood or else those will be the only things that are counted up to give you a score. If all parents are doing is trying to not get a failing score, then they aren't really enjoying everything anyway. (By the way, there are no scores.)
I'm only stating this because I think this "make believe fear of losing children once they are grown" and "make believe fear of being a bad parent if you're not loving the parenting process everyday" are causing negative emotions in a lot of parents. Don't create anxiety and depression in yourselves because you think you should be better than you are or because you think once your children don't NEED you, you will be obsolete.
Having growing children is a good thing. That means your kids are healthy and thriving and doing well. So if yours are growing too fast, that is awesome! If yours are pulling away from you and becoming independent, that is awesome! Celebrate the growth. Parenting is about raising functional adults who can raise the next generation.
Keep on posting cute photos and sharing your kids with your friends. Keep on doing life the way that works for you. But please don't feel bad if you ever don't love every step of the parenting journey. And don't feel bad that your kids are growing and thriving too fast because that's what they are meant to do.
And for the parents of grown kids, I'm there with you enduring their 2nd toddler-hood where they fail a lot, won't listen and throw fits when the answers they want don't come to them. We made it through the first time and we will make it through this time too. I think these are the hardest growing pains and toughest on my heart, mind and soul because I know I can't help. I want to help and I offer only solicited advice, but I can't help... not if I ever want them to truly be adults. I want my kids to be self sufficient. That doesn't mean alone. They need God and probably a help-mate, but they have to figure that out on their own.
This photo reminds me of my boys with their Toy Story puppets, as they called them. When one of my sons was young, he would tell strangers his name was Buzz Lightyear and most of the time, they would believe him.
Let Me Tell You About My Church
When I'm asked if I have a Church, I say YES. Although I don't always have a church I’m attending, I have a Church. It is made up of apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, deacons, elders, teachers, small group leaders, and praying friends that all feel like family. It consists of individuals that I made connections and bonds with at every single church I have ever attended dating back to 1980 and all the schools, jobs and classes I have done throughout my life.
My Church is a collection of believers who pray for me a lot, for days and weeks and months and years. Who never stops praying for me even when my life is wonderful.
They are there for me when life is bad, like really bad where no one can fix it and it is messy and gets on people, that kind of bad. They stick by me when I want them to move on because I feel awful that my bad life is getting them messy. They don't do anything other than let me know they are there which is the most important thing they could do. Because when I'm in a bad place in life, I sometimes can't find my way and need those guideposts and lighthouses to help me through the fog of deception, of hurt, of despair.
And they are faithful. There is nothing I can do or anything someone can say about me that would ever change how they think or feel about me. They are the ones who love me when I'm wrong and love me when I've been wronged. Their love isn't conditional. I don't earn it. And I can't lose it.
My Church isn't one denomination. It is built on love, trust and grace, not doctrines or practices. Everyone in my Church loves God, trusts God and extends grace freely. They all pray and believe that prayer changes things because God is the one who heals, reveals and restores.
My Church doesn't believe in second chances. They believe in unlimited chances where no one keeps score or count. They believe we don't have to be right or good enough or perfect, but we only have to be willing to be healed, renewed and transformed. That life is a journey, that God works with us throughout the journey and as long as we are on this side of glory, that God isn't finished with us yet.
My Church believes in miracles. Big miracles. Long shots. They all believe no matter how bleak a situation, that God can turn it around. That kind of faith helps me get through the tough times when all hope seems to be lost.
My Church celebrates life with me. I may not see everyone in my church, but we know we love each other. When good things happen, they celebrate it. No one gets jealous. They are genuinely happy for me and I am genuinely happy for them. I have celebrated marriages, births, birthdays, anniversaries, new careers, new homes, new cities and new situations with my Church. I may have never met the people in their lives in person, but I know all of them by heart and love them like they are my own and that's how my Church is with my family. They may not have ever met my husband or sons, but they love them whole-heartedly.
And my Church mourns with me. They aren't afraid to feel the difficult feelings of loss, of despair, of unsettled, of heartbreak. They are there reaching out, constantly checking in, letting me know I'm not forgotten in the dark place. That they are still praying for me, pulling for me, believing for me and thinking about me.
I wouldn't trade my Church for anything. God put them into my life, over the course of my life, and they are there through good and bad. I love my body of believer's real Church...just like the one described in the Bible.
Thank you to everyone who is part of my Church. Thank you for your support, prayers, friendships, family ties and fun times. Thank you for really doing life with me and sticking by me when times get tough and celebrating when times are great! I love you all and appreciate our relationships and bonds.
This is a church in Marion, Arkansas that I would pass on my drive from Memphis, Tennessee to Searcy, Arkansas when visiting family. I’ve never attended this church, but I love its beautiful architecture and how stately it stands in the rural landscape.
You Have to Give God Authorization
We need to quit praying and asking God to take or remove something from us. God isn't the one who gave you the bad thing that is keeping you from having freedom. You invited it in, gave it power and authority over you, let it make you a slave and now you want God to remove the bad thing and wonder why that doesn't happen.
It doesn't happen because you aren't giving God authority over it. You aren't giving yourself authority over it. God IS Greater than anything- that's a fact! If you don't believe it, then don't expect to see it in action. If you don't believe in miracles, then don't complain when you don't see them manifest in your life.
The Bible says that all things work together for good for them that love God (Romans 8:28). So if God can make everything good for you in your life, then when you see that good isn't happening, why are you questioning God's power or ability instead of questioning your love for God?
I see people who love God in all areas, but 1 or 2. They let God work in most areas of their lives, but not all. Maybe they don't believe God can heal all illnesses: mental, emotional, physical, spiritual. Maybe they don't believe God can restore what has been broken beyond repair. Maybe they don't believe that God can take care of them financially. Or maybe they don't believe God can heal their addictions and remove their coping mechanisms so they can live freely.
It isn't a lack of faith in God, but more a lack of trust in God. Really let go. Let go of your past and stop shaming yourself. Let go of the record of wrongs that someone did to you. Let go of your security, your thing "you can't live without", let go of the relationships you fear losing, and go find your deepest, darkest fears, bring them out into the open, and let them go. (I often think of Ghostbusters when they shut down the containment unit and all the ghosts and ghouls took over NYC) Don't be more afraid of all of the scary fears, instead trust in God to keep you safe. God IS bigger and more powerful (by a whole lot) than any scary thing you can conjure up in your mind.
If you aren't willing to strip down naked and walk into that angry, stormy, shark infested sea with nothing but your utmost faith and trust in God, then pray that God gives you the strength and courage to be able to do it. As long as there is anything that has the power to scare you and paralyze you with fear, then you are not free in the Lord Jesus Christ.
Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The Lie of Brokenness
Considering and pondering the idea that Brokenness is the lie and Completely Healed is the Truth.
In my marriage, there were years where my husband or I looked broken or we looked broken. Some may have even believed we were getting divorced. And now when some of those same people see our current marriage and individual selves, they almost accuse us of being fake liars just pretending.They often reminisce about the days when fights happened, when resolutions weren't found, and when agreements were never made. All just to prove that our current relationship isn't everything it appears to be.
BUT what if all those years of brokenness in our marriage were the lie? What if it is easier to be a mess than it is to be whole? Easier to build a wall of pity, of childhood problems, of betrayal in relationships because that makes us off limits. Off limits to getting hurt again because we are already a victim. Off limits to accountability because we can't control our feelings and actions when we get triggered. What if we stopped accepting these lies and were bold and brave enough to be vulnerable?
That's what my husband and I did. Just decided that our past was no longer a predictor of our future and no longer the master of our present. That we couldn't undo our pasts, but we could choose to never let those hurts take another perfectly good day from us. That we were going to trust each other to a fault. It didn't matter...we were going to trust with our whole hearts and our whole beings. No matter how many times we got hurt because God could heal us.
We stopped letting our brokenness excuse us from accountability. We stopped letting our fears excuse us from accountability. We stopped believing that all the evil in world could excuse us from accountability.
None of us were created broken and fearful, but we all get there. But we don't have to stay there. Decide who has more power: you or other people? God or your past? God is our healer, so staying broken is refusing Him and His power. Listening to the lies from the past is refusing to listen to God and His Words about us. Trust God above all else.
Why I’m a Retired Stay-at-Home Mom
Yes my kids are grown. And yes, I still stay home instead of heading to work in an office.
I became a mom long before I had a career so it made since for me to stay home with our firstborn son. I couldn’t earn enough money to cover the cost of childcare and I didn’t have family support that provided free childcare, so it made financial sense for me to care for our son myself. This was still true when we added our second and third sons to our family, so I stayed home to take care of the children and the household.
That household part is always the part everyone forgets about when they think of a Stay-at-Home Mom. I know working moms and dads still have to take care of households too, but I know that when both parents work, there has to be additional people who help keep the household functioning. There are the childcare workers who tend to the children all day long. There are the maids, the landscapers and the personal assistants that tend to the housework, the lawn and the errands. There are the handymen to do the household repairs and small projects. And there is the extended family and friends that do any of the afore mentioned tasks that help the working parents make it all function while earning a living.
Instead of any of those additional people, it was always just my husband and I. The two of us doing it all for our three sons while making it function and earning enough to support our family of five. I was the childcare worker, babysitter, maid, personal assistant and primary educator for my family and my husband was the handyman, landscaper and wage earner for the family. We also both helped out extended family, friends and church ministries during our years of raising our sons, so to say we were spread thin is an understatement of gigantic proportions.
My husband and I never had date nights or babysitters, so that means that I had our three sons with me all the time. The only times I had a moment without them, was also without my husband, and that wasn’t always what I wanted. Sometimes I wanted to spend time with my husband, so we would carve out time after the boys were asleep for the night. This made for long days and long nights which was doable in our twenties, but became a little more difficult in our thirties.
Additionally during the years when we had all three sons, my husband would be on-call over the weekends and would need to travel out of state, and sometimes internationally, for his job. This meant I was the only person keeping anything going for weeks at a time with no breaks and no assistance, so when he was home, I absolutely craved his time and attention.
Those years passed and our sons got older and then they could babysit themselves, which was amazing. My husband and I could go to dinner by ourselves and leave the kids at home for a couple of hours. That was the first time we were able to go on dates and we had been married for about fifteen years at that point. We felt like we had hit the lifestyle lottery and could now enjoy life being just a little calmer than usual.
Now with grown sons, we enjoy our lifestyle even more. Because we spent all the raising children years living on one income, we have no issue with continuing that with grown children. And there were a couple of years were I worked out of the home, around the boys’ schedules, and made an income, but the money I made went to erase debt, build up a savings or pay college tuitions for my sons. And the most recent and most lucrative of those working years were done at home from my laptop, so I was once again “still home” even when I was earning income.
I’m a Retired Stay-at-Home Mom because that is the work or career I did for twenty-five years. That was my main focus, the job I performed daily and the work I poured myself into on a daily basis. Am I still a mom? Of course. But am I a Stay-at-Home Mom? No because my children are all grown. Am I still staying home? Yes because that’s still where my family needs and wants me.
Although I am not taking care of children anymore, I am still the one who manages the household. At this point in my life, due to my efforts to keep us on a budget and my husband’s twenty-five year career, my husband and I can afford to have help from other people in the form of a maid, a landscaper and a handyman. We don’t have a need for an assistant, babysitter, chef, childcare provider or educator, so we don’t employ any of those positions. Because my daily work has decreased over the last few years, I have time to do all the things I wanted to do in the decades past.
I can spend time reading books, writing all sorts of content, organizing my home, cultivating my time and experiencing the little things in life. I can relax. Relaxing has to be one of my favorite activities and something I have to come to cherish. It feels so good to relax and exhale and enjoy the moment.
Whether you work or stay at home or work from home, just remember there will be a day when your youngest child is grown and you will be finished raising children. It may make your feel retired, like me, it may make you question where the years went and it may not even be something you take note of in your life, either way, it will be the end of a chapter. And when one chapter ends, another one begins, so think about how you want the next chapter in your life to be written.
Maybe you want to slow down and savor life, or maybe you want to seize the day and ramp up your efforts in your career and earning potential. Both are good options, both have benefits and both have drawbacks. Just like the decision to earn an income or not while raising children, what you do when they are grown is another decision you will need to make and I’ve made mine.
I’m staying home even though my children are all grown and I’m enjoying the next few decades of my life before the aging process makes that more difficult. Because I don’t know the future, I may be looking at ten years or fifty years, but whatever it is, I want to enjoy those years with my husband and my sons. I want to enjoy the fruits of our labors, I want to enjoy the perpetual date my husband and I have been on for the past few years now that he works from home and doesn’t travel and I want to enjoy everyday of my life to the fullest of my abilities. I loved my life as a Stay-at-Home Mom and I love my life as a Retired Stay-at- Home Mom.
A Friend Like Me
I’m all about you knowing who you’re talking to, or in this case, whose blog you’re reading. I decided to compile a list of the top 10 things that describe me as a friend so you can know the essentials abut me. Enjoy!
I’ll make you laugh…most of the time. Laughter is my go-to for life, especially difficult times and situations that make me want to give up on, well, just about everything. I find laughter allows me to not take hardships so negatively and it helps me put nonsense into perspective.
I’ll never care if you talk behind my back. I know that is usually an action that others won’t tolerate, but I truly prefer it. I don’t like anyone coming to me with a list of woes, especially if that list is about me. I understand others’ needs to vent and I respect that, so please, go vent about me to someone else. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to feel it. I don’t want to try to make sense of it and try to process it. Just go talk behind my back.
I forgive easily and quickly. I don’t hold a grudge and I don’t like collecting proof of others’ wrongs, so I tend to forget what people have done to me. This makes forgiving them even easier because I can’t remember what I was upset about in the first place. I also forgive easily and quickly because it is part of my faith, part of what I believe, part of how I think the world was designed.
I’ll respect you even when you don’t respect me. When you decide to put me in my place or tell me something that you believe qualifies as honesty or truth, I will still respect you. I’ll respect you by listening to you even when I disagree. I’ll respect you by treating you nicely even when you are being hateful to me. And when it’s all done, I’ll respect you by hoping that our friendship can restart again one day.
I will apologize when I’m wrong. I don’t have an issue with being wrong and I will freely and willingly admit it. I won’t, however, apologize for how you receive something I did or said. You applied your own filter and that’s part of your accountability, not mine. I can only be accountable for what I actually did or said.
I’ll always pray for you. Once I know you, I will pray for you. Even if we aren’t hanging out as friends, even if you hurt me to the core, I will still pray for you. Forgiveness certainly helps to continue to hope for another person, petition the Lord to intervene, or stand in the gap for someone who is weak in their faith at the moment. Prayer aligns me with the heart of God, so I would never want my heart to be so hurt that I can’t connect to God. And I would never want you to be that hurt either, so I will pray for you.
I’ll never tell you “What Ifs”. When you are going through a rough patch and want to talk, I will not, under any circumstances, go over all the possible, terrible, tragic outcomes that might occur. I will not treat your pain like an opportunity to brainstorm with intellectual curiosity like I’m solving a jigsaw puzzle and trying out each piece to see if it fits. I know that every piece on the table is an emotion and that it hurts, so I won’t be touching on all of those pieces of you with flagrant obtuseness for your feelings.
I’ll always see and hear you. I’ll pay attention to you. If you are talking, I’m listening. If you are there, I’ll say, “Hi!” to you. I’m not ever going to ignore or be too busy for you. I may not always be reaching out to you, but I’ll make time to see and hear you when you need me.
I’ll always remind you that you are better than you think and worth more. When you start feeling overwhelmed and want to settle, I’ll remind you that you don’t ever need to settle for less. I’ll tell you that whatever bad situation that occurred isn’t a reflection of who you are. I’ll always be calling out the best version of you and reminding you of your true identity, especially when you aren’t acting like your normal self. I’ll be there to remind you that you are better than this moment or this feeling and worth more than what you think.
I’ll always be fancy. I’ll always show up looking polished and lovely. You can invite me anywhere and I’ll never be under dressed or disheveled looking. If we go to lunch, I’ll put effort in to arrive all pulled together and fancy. If that is going to annoy you or make you question yourself in a negative way, then maybe I’m not the friend for you. If that is going to annoy you or make you question me about my appearance and attire, then I am for sure not the friend for you. I do like to be fancy, but that doesn’t make me shallow or judgmental about how others dress or what they deem appropriate for being in public.
Focus on Your Own Work
Do you ever want to talk about how you wish people would stop caring about stuff they can't fix, that is way outside their scope? Well I do.
But I tend not to because it sounds bad when I say it and even worse in written form. I mean, I can't be telling people to stop caring about stuff that doesn't impact them one iota and to focus on their broken, broke, broke down lives without sounding harsh or even worse, uninformed. What kind of person would I be if I reminded them that they have real problems affecting their lives right now and being all in a huff about someone else's problems isn't their best use of resources? I could be called names if I did something like that.
I could be told by some smarty pants person, that I'm doing the same exact thing with this blog post. Well, no, this isn't the same. I'm not in a huff about your problems or you ignoring your problems, I'm not outraged, shaking, triggered or anything like that. I'm really only mentioning it because I'm trying to be nice and tell you to focus on another area that you will be successful at instead of wasting your time on something that you will fail at resolving, but I can guess you aren't going to see it that way.
Much like this blog post. It really isn't directed at any of my friends, but more at those friends y'all tell me about. Those that you try to figure out and solve. Those that love being about something big while never being about something small, like their own lives. Those that irritate you, annoy you, perplex you with their misplaced sense of activism while having misplaced priorities in their own lives. Those you want to tell to go campaign for themselves inside their own homes. Go fix what's broken about you before you come out here telling everyone how to solve their problems.
Well, since I can't make a blog post about that for you to share, I will have to just offer some encouragement and advice. Be okay with their opinions because they don't matter after all, and you just work on you and I'll work on me. Although we will have small lives, they will be big enough for us and we will all be happy together.
Frolicking in the Sea
I revisited some of my Facebook posts from last year, which were very encouraging about the hard time everyone was having in June 2020. Just remembering the level of fear, uncertainty, stress and hurt that swept through our nation and world, I was reminded of how I dealt with it all...by going to the beach.
The outdoors, the ocean, the sun, and all the sea life, always remind me that my problems aren't nearly as big as I think they are. My life isn't nearly as all encompassing as I think it is. I am just a small thing in a world of small things. And that is calming to me.
But my life, although small, has great meaning because of God. I was and am Hand selected, Hand made, Hand guided by the one True God of it all. And that is calming to me.
Knowing how small I am takes off so much of the pressure and the weight I put on myself. Knowing how loved I am puts on so much comfort and lightness and a feeling of freedom, that I can easily waltz through life .
If you see me frolicking in the sea, as if I don't have a care in the world, it isn't because my life is perfect, and it isn’t because I am perfect, but it is because I know I'm small, I know I’m loved and I know I’m cared for by a perfect God who knows me. And that kind of perfect freedom just makes want to dance in the ocean waves and feel the sun on my face.
See the Special Thing Right There in Front of You
I moved my desk and I can now see a small tiny sliver of the ocean out the window. I also see the road in my neighborhood and Ocean Drive. Somehow seeing all the hustle of the cars with the faint call of the ocean motivates me to get more done. The cars go back and forth totally ignoring the beautiful ocean just steps from where they drive makes the ocean even more special to me. Somehow the vastness of the sea makes all of my dreams seem tangible. Seeing how huge the ocean is makes my dreams seem small and that makes them seem attainable. I feel like I can just reach out and grab whatever I want because if something as huge as the sea can exist in all of its misunderstood, hard to wrap my mind around how big it is way, then my goals are tiny morsels of yumminess that I can hold easily in my hand. I write more, I read more, I think more and laugh more when I can see the ocean.
It isn’t the ocean or beach in terms of vacationing or sand or salt air, but it truly is the giant almost living organism of the ocean that makes me feel free to have big goals and achieve them. It is the knowledge that something so large exists that allows me to dream big.
Happy “You Didn’t Pick Him” Father’s Day!
Happy "you didn't pick him" Father's Day! I know a lot of people struggle with Father's Day because they don't feel their dads are what a dad should be. And I know a lot of people believe the Bible when it says, "to honor your father and mother", but struggle to honor their father when he isn't a good father.
I believe the answer to that is to understand why we honor our parents. First because God told us to. That seems simple enough, but why would God tell us to honor someone who isn't honorable? Because the honor isn't about that man who is your father, but is about our God who created that position, that role, that relationship. So we are honoring God's creation.
Second, God instituted the authority into that role, that position, that relationship. So we honor the authority that God put into that place, that relationship, that role because we honor God and His divinity. So when we honor our fathers, we are honoring God.
Our fathers don't have to be great men, good men, or good fathers in order for us to give that honor because it isn't about the actual man, but about God. If these fathers are bad men or bad fathers that's okay because we know that God has called us to love everyone through His perfect love and that includes bad fathers. Again, this is about God, obeying His command, and not about the man, in this case an actual human father.
So if you struggle with Father's Day or Mother's Day, whether it is your own parents, your in-laws, your children's parents or even your grandparents, know that God knows that and understands that. You showing love and honor to someone you don't think deserves it is what God has asked us all to do. And what He did for all of us first.
Reconciliation starts within my heart, your heart, so lets fix our hearts on the things of the Lord.
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers- the good, the bad and the ugly! May God Bless you, your children and all those in your lives!
The Gift of Boredom
It all begins with an idea.
As we approach the halfway mark of the year, it’s a good time to reflect and remember the year that has come and gone, but with the year 2020, there were less memories and reflections to ponder and that seems a little odd. 2020 wasn’t a year of wonder and imagination, filled with excitement about what it would bring and what we would do. Unfortunately, 2020 was a year of wondering when life would return to normal, if ever, and imagining the worst case scenario with every human encounter.
2020 brought out the worst in some of us and the best in others. We found fears we never knew existed and talents we never considered cultivating. Yes, the uptick in hours per day we all had that needed to be filled was greater than it had ever been before and for some of us, that was too much. For some of us, those hours became places where our dark imaginations live.
BUT, we managed. We moved past the fears and forged a new life, a new perspective and a new normal. No, I’m not talking about masks or social distancing, I am talking about a new normal in ourselves that can face scary things and not succumb to it. That we can deal with life not going the way we thought it would and pivoting to a new life that is filled with joy and happiness. That we can find comfort in a walk or a bike ride where we used to need friends to occupy that space. That we can actually be okay being by ourselves with ourselves more than we have had to since we were children. And we can actually like it.
I have rediscovered my friendship with myself. How I used to think and wander through my own daydreams as a child and now I can do that as a fully grown adult. How I used to amuse myself by just watching nature move from one space to another, whether it was birds hunting for food, a river flowing or a small bug in a hurry to get somewhere other than where it was, I have rediscovered that ability and gift. The gift of boredom.
Boredom takes on a negative connotation in our minds, but it is a wonderful gift. I often wonder why boredom is considered negative when it is a true gift. A gift of time, of peace and of discovering. A gift where all of my creativity is steeped and marinated. All of my relaxation comes from boredom. All of my joy and happiness grew out of boredom.
It was in those boring places that I first felt calm. That I first felt okay to do nothing. That I first said, “I’m just going to marinate here, right now” and proceeded to do it without a shred of guilt. Boredom became my choice over busyness everyday.
And my journey into boredom didn’t start in 2020, it started several years ago. And for years, I rejected it like an ugly sweater. (Who needs a sweater in South Florida and who needs an ugly sweater?) After many years of shooing away boredom like it was a stray cat on my front porch, I was faced with living a life teaming with boredom. I was called to be an author. I certainly didn’t want to spend my days in that space of boredom, letting my creativity and imagination flow when everyone else I knew was busy and proud of it. I wanted to be proud of being busy too. But I also wanted to listen to God.
So for the past three years, I have made it my mission to not be busy. To not be proud of all that I can accomplish in a day, but instead be humble in boredom. Humble in this magical, wonderful place that God has designed just for me. My own boring garden to frolic in and make up games to play and dialogue for background information and character interactions, my own treasure land filled with laughter and love. It gets even more amazing when I consider that this will be my life. That I could possibly spend 40 or 50 years in this space. That this boredom could be my new normal.
So yes, I get it. I get how hard this has been on everyone and I get how well everyone is adjusting and redefining to a new definition of normal. It’s normal to have hours of free time where you can do an activity by yourself. It’s normal to eat meals with your family every day. It’s normal to walk to your desk in your own home to go to work instead of commuting to an office building. It’s normal to have your weekends free to do all those things on your “to do” list. I think this new normal of immense time, boredom and freedom is certainly something that we are all going to hold onto and cherish. We might not like how we got here, but we certainly are enjoying the results.
Happy New Normal!
