I Don’t Want What You Want To Give

I read this blog from Amber Beushcel and had to share it with you.

https://rachaelkadams.com/blog-series-let-me-bless-you-by-amber-beuschel/

I understand this post so well from the recipient’s perspective. When I'm going through a rough patch, I often hear from friends that I hurt their feelings by not accepting what they wanted to give me.

It could be words of encouragement, an offer of coffee or lunch, or a phone call to connect that my friends are willing to give me, but when I don't accept their offers, they turn around and tell me about their disappointments that I won't let them bless me.

This interaction makes me pull away even further and put up a very big, very high wall.

From my perspective, I'm hurting and am comforting myself through prayer, spending time with God and aligning myself to God's ways (which can be a process for me when I am really upset by a situation or circumstance) and I don't want what my friends are trying to give me.

I don't want it because I feel it will change my gaze, my focus on God.

I don't want it because I already have an answer from God I am trying to fully accept.

I don't want it because I don't want to tell my story again.

I don't want it because, and this one is a big one for me, I don't want people to have the opportunity to lie to me.

Yes, I feel that when I am unsure or insecure about something, that is when people will lie to me and distract me from what God is teaching me in that moment.

I don’t think any of my friends are intentionally lying to me. I do think they believe they are giving me hope. But I don’t want hope built on false narratives: how the situation could resolve, what the meaning might be, etc.

I don’t want the pride-filled feelings that comes from snarky comebacks.

I don’t want rote prayers and canned scriptures.

I don’t want to unpack all of my feelings and explain what happened, what is happening, just because someone else wants to give me what they want.

And above all else, I certainly don’t want that friend to tell me how I hurt her feelings by not responding to her desire to bless me the way she wanted.

That information is so hurtful to me.

Because that information let’s me know that when I was hurt, my friend cared more about what she was going to do for me than about me and my feelings and my needs. My friend decided she knew what I needed more than I knew what I needed, to the point, that if i refused her offer to bless me, that she was entitled to feel hurt by my refusal. This whole narrative shows my friend’s focus:herself.

And to know that when I was hurting that my friend was focused on herself and wanted me to be focused on her too is a very painful realization.

I don’t expect anyone including my friends or family to focus on me even when I am hurt, but I do expect them to not expect me to focus on them even when I am hurt.

I do expect that they would understand that they aren’t getting my attention in that moment on that day. And when a friend tells me how offended or hurt she was that I didn’t accept her blessing when I was hurting, that painful reality comes crashing in on me like a ton of bricks. And then I build a very big, very high wall with all of those bricks.

So before you offer advice, snarky comments, prying questions or cups of coffee, really think about your intentions. Are you actually concerned about someone else’s feelings or are you concerned about how good it will make you feel to help someone? Are you actually sharing the limitless love of God or are you sharing your limited helpfulness?

I don’t offer advice to those who are hurting because hurting, emotional people can’t switch to rational, learning mode when they are upset and crying.

I don’t tell them it will be okay because they aren’t ready to hear that; they are still processing their feelings.

I don’t offer to talk because most people will ask to talk when ready and some don’t ever want to talk about their issues.

Instead respect that person’s way of handling things.

Respect how that person views your relationship with them. (This is a big one for me. Too often people think we have a closer relationship than I think we do and seem very pushy to me with their offerings of help.)

Respect when they say no to your blessing.

My advice is to give the same blessing I give everyone going through a rough patch:

A hug if I am physically near them- People like to feel connected

Let them know I am sorry they are going through this and feeling so hurt-People like to feel seen

Tell them I am praying for comfort and answers-People like to know that others don’t have what they are needing, that they recognize that, and will work to help them get what they need.

Remember, your focus should be on honoring God, not how your friend responds to you or how it’s going to make you feel.

I’m sure they are warm and made with love, but I don’t want your afghans!