Living the Plan

It is so crazy how much can change in a decade. 11 years ago, I had finished one part of college and I was preparing for a new career, had 3 boys in 8th, 4th and 1st grades and lived in the Mid-South with no plans of moving.

My own life and the Bible have taught me that my plans are a frivolous waste of time and energy, but God's plans are perfect. Thankfully, 11 years ago I knew that lesson and fully attribute where I am now to understanding Whose plan I am following. Otherwise I would have held on way too tight to that career (or the next one or the next one), to that house (or the next one), to that location (or the next one) or to that dream (or the next one, or the next one, etc).

I enjoyed my life with school-aged children in the Mid-South juggling lots of balls- kids, career, marriage, home, church, friends, family, etc- but just because I enjoyed it, just because it was good, just because I was content, didn't mean it wasn't going to change because God had a plan for me.

So enjoy where you are today. Enjoy your house, your location, your career, your kids at these ages, your church, your friends, your routines, but learn to listen to God so when He says it is time to change, you are ready to change and can take that next step in His plan for you.

I'm not living my dream. I'm living the plan God has for my life- and it is way better than any dream I ever had!

Being Blessed

I read one of my own posts from Spring 2017 and I was so grateful that I captured that feeling in words to reflect on today.

I wrote,“Being Blessed. I am actually in a state of blessing, just marinating in it, and enjoying the peace that comes from rest in the Lord. I have looked to God to provide the last 14 years and He has never not provided enough. Most of the time He provides abundantly, and today is another day of abundance, not just financially, but peace of mind, health, opportunities, and hope.”

This memory was a great reminder of what has happened over the last 4 years. I vividly remember feeling so at peace during this time, which was great. That peace started getting shaky the very next month in April, and then a little more in July, and then a lot shook in October and by December I was trying my best to hold onto all the peace and pieces I could.

Over the next three years (2018, 2019 and 2020) I would find that all of this peace disappeared, but in its place a new understanding of peace and calm would emerge. This new peace was good and I was grateful for it.

The pieces I was instinctively holding onto all crumbled in my hands like chunks of rocks and sand, but sand isn’t a bad thing. It does slip through our fingers, represent the passage of time and has proven to be unstable for building foundations, but it creates space. Because the sand wears away with its tiny grit texture any obstacles in our way, sand allows for ideas and items we won’t let go of to be removed from our clenched hands. And when we acknowledge that our hands are empty, we will finally let go of that tight grip and open our hands to receive.

That open space that the sand created allowed me to open my hand to new possibilities, new blessings and those blessing were just what I needed. Those blessings made all the uncertainty make sense and all the scary moments seem like a fun roller coaster. Yes, I needed to open my hand and accept what was being given to me instead of focusing on what I wanted to hold onto as if my life was depending on it.

Now I have a new understanding and appreciation for “Being Blessed”, so I can feel and know I'm blessed, at peace, being held and comforted in the midst of the worst tragedies. I can smile and have joy on my worst days and that be an honest expression of where my heart, mind and spirit are, not some "show" or "mask".

Growth is a beautiful thing. And change is part of growth, the part that brings about transformation. No one likes growing pains or change, but when you embrace it and let go of what you had, you are free to gain more than what you were holding onto in the first place.

So today I am Being Blessed. And I know, no matter what comes next in my life, I am Being Blessed. And that's a very good thing!

I Don’t Want What You Want To Give

I read this blog from Amber Beushcel and had to share it with you.

https://rachaelkadams.com/blog-series-let-me-bless-you-by-amber-beuschel/

I understand this post so well from the recipient’s perspective. When I'm going through a rough patch, I often hear from friends that I hurt their feelings by not accepting what they wanted to give me.

It could be words of encouragement, an offer of coffee or lunch, or a phone call to connect that my friends are willing to give me, but when I don't accept their offers, they turn around and tell me about their disappointments that I won't let them bless me.

This interaction makes me pull away even further and put up a very big, very high wall.

From my perspective, I'm hurting and am comforting myself through prayer, spending time with God and aligning myself to God's ways (which can be a process for me when I am really upset by a situation or circumstance) and I don't want what my friends are trying to give me.

I don't want it because I feel it will change my gaze, my focus on God.

I don't want it because I already have an answer from God I am trying to fully accept.

I don't want it because I don't want to tell my story again.

I don't want it because, and this one is a big one for me, I don't want people to have the opportunity to lie to me.

Yes, I feel that when I am unsure or insecure about something, that is when people will lie to me and distract me from what God is teaching me in that moment.

I don’t think any of my friends are intentionally lying to me. I do think they believe they are giving me hope. But I don’t want hope built on false narratives: how the situation could resolve, what the meaning might be, etc.

I don’t want the pride-filled feelings that comes from snarky comebacks.

I don’t want rote prayers and canned scriptures.

I don’t want to unpack all of my feelings and explain what happened, what is happening, just because someone else wants to give me what they want.

And above all else, I certainly don’t want that friend to tell me how I hurt her feelings by not responding to her desire to bless me the way she wanted.

That information is so hurtful to me.

Because that information let’s me know that when I was hurt, my friend cared more about what she was going to do for me than about me and my feelings and my needs. My friend decided she knew what I needed more than I knew what I needed, to the point, that if i refused her offer to bless me, that she was entitled to feel hurt by my refusal. This whole narrative shows my friend’s focus:herself.

And to know that when I was hurting that my friend was focused on herself and wanted me to be focused on her too is a very painful realization.

I don’t expect anyone including my friends or family to focus on me even when I am hurt, but I do expect them to not expect me to focus on them even when I am hurt.

I do expect that they would understand that they aren’t getting my attention in that moment on that day. And when a friend tells me how offended or hurt she was that I didn’t accept her blessing when I was hurting, that painful reality comes crashing in on me like a ton of bricks. And then I build a very big, very high wall with all of those bricks.

So before you offer advice, snarky comments, prying questions or cups of coffee, really think about your intentions. Are you actually concerned about someone else’s feelings or are you concerned about how good it will make you feel to help someone? Are you actually sharing the limitless love of God or are you sharing your limited helpfulness?

I don’t offer advice to those who are hurting because hurting, emotional people can’t switch to rational, learning mode when they are upset and crying.

I don’t tell them it will be okay because they aren’t ready to hear that; they are still processing their feelings.

I don’t offer to talk because most people will ask to talk when ready and some don’t ever want to talk about their issues.

Instead respect that person’s way of handling things.

Respect how that person views your relationship with them. (This is a big one for me. Too often people think we have a closer relationship than I think we do and seem very pushy to me with their offerings of help.)

Respect when they say no to your blessing.

My advice is to give the same blessing I give everyone going through a rough patch:

A hug if I am physically near them- People like to feel connected

Let them know I am sorry they are going through this and feeling so hurt-People like to feel seen

Tell them I am praying for comfort and answers-People like to know that others don’t have what they are needing, that they recognize that, and will work to help them get what they need.

Remember, your focus should be on honoring God, not how your friend responds to you or how it’s going to make you feel.

I’m sure they are warm and made with love, but I don’t want your afghans!

10 Tips from a Seasoned Mama

I am often asked about how I managed or did things when my boys were little, so I have put together my top 10 pieces of advice to parents. Enjoy!

1. Car Money  Nothing like being told at 7 in the morning while in the drop off car line, that your child needs $6 for a workbook or $13 for the class t-shirt only to not have the cash on hand and no time to write a check. Car money is for all those little things your kids need when they are in that busy stage of life- 5 to 18 years old. Keep ones, fives and tens in your glove box for those unexpected expenses at those unexpected times. I typically tried to keep five one dollar bills, two five dollar bills, and a ten dollar bill in my car just so I wouldn’t be stressed when I needed money, but didn’t have time to run by the bank to make a withdrawal. This still comes in handy when you are shopping online, grab your wallet because your card isn’t saved on that website and forget to put your wallet back in your purse only to realize it when you are fumbling for it while standing in line at the grocery store trying to pay for your purchases.

2. Master Daily Schedule to be used in case of emergency. When my children were young and we didn’t have a schedule created for us by school, I would make a master daily schedule that included everything from the time the children woke up until it was their bedtime. This schedule usually had a new activity every 30-60 minutes listed on it. This was not a schedule I followed. I repeat, this was not a schedule I followed. This schedule was just for reference. When life would get overwhelming and I couldn’t make a simple decision, I knew I needed to reference the schedule. I would just find the time and look to see what activity we were scheduled to do at the time and then did it. It gave me peace to stop making a bunch of decisions and know that the activity we were doing was one I felt was right when I made the schedule. It was my way of taking a mental break from the overwhelming chaos and overabundance of choices that motherhood can become when we are focused on being a good mom. By giving myself that out, I allowed myself the freedom to stop analyzing and stop worrying about every decision I had to make that day. I didn’t have to use this method on a daily basis, but I was grateful I had the master daily schedule each time I pondered way too long on what to make the kids for lunch. That was my cue that I was in analysis paralysis and I needed to simply refer to the master daily schedule until I could regain my own ability to find answers to simple tasks. It is also helpful when you want to know how well you are doing as a parent in a space where you don’t have benchmarks, rewards or recognition. I could just take a quick glance at the schedule and quickly assign myself a percentage of completion and determine if I was hitting my own goals or needed to change something in my routine. Again, my goals were ever changing and were never 100% because that’s just too much pressure as a parent of small children. Most of my goals were around 40-80% depending on the season I was in with the children. And some days, 10% was more than good enough for me to feel accomplished, such as virus days or snow days.

3. Gold Stars Sometimes as a parent you just need to reward yourself. I used stickers to motivate and keep track of my children’s progress when they were young. Everything from potty training, chore charts, school work, memory verses, or reading logs had stickers to track and reward my boys. So I would give myself stars for days that were particularly difficult or days I felt I accomplished a lot. The stars were meaningless and whether I actually peeled off stickers to put on a calendar day or not, just the mental note of getting five gold stars, was enough reward and recognition for me to confidently enjoy my time mothering my children. There are still days when I get done more than I expected or just feel really happy and I mentally give myself a gold star or two for a job well done. Just because I didn’t earn a paycheck and didn’t have a boss didn’t mean I didn’t want or need positive recognition for my efforts. And the gold stars prevented me from having expectations that my husband would fulfill the role of boss, manager or supervisor, notice my many accomplishments and give me feedback in the form of words of praise and encouragement.

4. Simple Meal Planning I’m all about making less decisions and not having to process information constantly about meaningless topics, so I would plan out our meals for the week and then repeat the plan for the next three weeks in the month. I would simply have certain days designated as “chicken”, “beef”, “fish”, “veggie”, and “sandwich” during the week allowing for some repeats. I would then know what I was making for dinner every night without having to contemplate if we had just had that food too recently. This also allowed me to make specific meal plans so that grocery shopping was more effective, but I didn’t feel trapped by a well laid out meal plan for the month. The simple designation of what type of food was just enough boost to point me in the right direction but not so strict that I felt confined in my own plans. (I’m not sure others feel trapped by too many plans, but I certainly can. I need a little freedom to be creative and pivot if the situation calls for it.)

5. Car Clutter Catcher When you have small children there is a large quantity of items that accompany them wherever they go. From diaper bag supplies to toys, extra clothes or snacks, children just need a plethora of items on a daily basis. (This is also true of busy individuals who carry around a lot of books, samples or to do lists) And because most people travel by car, the car can become extremely messy and filled with clutter over time. My solution was to have a market tote designated for the car just to keep all the items my children needed and I had when running errands. When my boys were very small, I had a separate one filled with emergency clothing, including socks and shoes and a jacket, for each child just in case they got dirty or the weather changed suddenly. I would use the other one to organize their snacks, the dry cleaning, any returns I had, and any toys they might want, but weren’t currently playing with at the time. At the end of the outing when we arrived back home, I would use the car clutter catcher to gather all of their left behind items out of the car to make transporting them back into the house a little easier on myself. This method also ensured that no forgotten snacks or shoes were left in the car to turn smelly or create frustration the next time we were getting ready to leave the house and couldn’t find that one missing shoe no matter how much we searched for it.

6. Comfort Items Bag Sometimes being a parent is just too hard and too much and you need something to reassure yourself that life is still good even when it is hard. I would stock a small tote bag with gifts for myself for when I needed a little reassurance. You may have noticed, I like to take matters into my own hands and not have to wait for others to do something for me in order for me to feel better. I like to be in charge of my own emotions, so I would get little items from the store periodically just to have when I needed a little pick me up. It could be travel size lotions, body washes or conditioners, a magazine, a sudoku or a paperback book, small candies, trail mix or gum, fuzzy socks, a sleeping mask, or a new candle. It didn’t really matter what it was other than I like it and it wasn’t expensive. I did this so I wouldn’t be tempted to go shopping as a way to make myself feel better or to eat as a way to comfort my emotions. This also prevented me from yet again expecting my husband to recognize my feelings and have a solution ready to go for me in a moments notice. I find if I am able to just have a little something that I want when I want it, that my mood and emotions stay on a more even keel and my home life is happier. You could give yourself homemade coupons for time or take a walk or have reminders to drink more water. It doesn’t have to be an item, but it does need to be something that provides healthy comfort to you so that you can feel good when you start feeling lousy.

7. Put Yourself Together When I feel put together, my day seems to work better and my mood is more positive. My definition of being put together likely differs from yours, and that is perfectly fine and good. The idea is to do whatever it is that makes you feel put together. It could be a coordinated outfit, having your hair curled or straightened, wearing jewelry or perfume or it could be something completely different such as what makes you feel most comfortable or allows you to do all the work you have planned for the day. If you feel put together in jeans and a sweatshirt with a hat on and your favorite work boots, then do that. My mom is a jeans and sweatshirt kind of gal, who likes being dressed for the outdoors to do chores or ride horses, well, back in the day when she had horses, that is. I like to be a little more fancy than that, but I don’t live in a rural area like she did, so I don’t have outdoor chores or animals to tend to on a daily basis. Your put together could include other items like your travel mug of coffee or your favorite podcast for the day or making your bed every morning. It’s always important to do what works for you even if it isn’t what works for others. Whatever put together looks like for you, if you make an effort to do that daily, you will feel better and treat others better.

8. Get a file box for your child. I would suggest buying a file box for your child when he/she is born and putting 18 hanging files in it. Each year put in your child’s important documents, art work, photos, etc so that you have all of their memories in one place when they are grown. I didn’t do this when my boys were young, but I did create these for them once they were grown so that they had all of their records and memories. By using a single hanging file folder for each year, you will be limited on what you can keep so you will need to be choosy and each year will have a record of your child’s accomplishments and memories.

9. Pack your kids’ clothes in zipper bags When travelling with kids, especially young children, pack their outfits including socks and underwear in individual zipper bags so that you don’t have search through an overstuffed suitcase trying to locate items. This is especially great for long trips because after a few days, the suitcase’s organization can get destroyed and this allows others, such as family members, to help get the little ones ready. The zipper bags are also handy for day outings to store wet or soiled items should that be necessary.

10. Screens are a privilege Keep all screens and chargers in a central open family area. This includes all gaming consoles, all phones, all tablets and all computers for the children in the household. We are a tech savvy family and as parents we knew that no amount of parental controls could prevent our children from visiting sites we wouldn’t like, so we had our boys set up in the main living area of the home with their computers. And we continued this until they turned eighteen even if they were still living at home past eighteen. We also made it a point to play the games they play, with them if possible. If you are engaged in your child’s activities, not only does it make you more aware of what is going on in his life, but it also provides tons of bonding opportunities and moments. Will your child try to defy you on this rule? Yes. Does it mean the rule is still the rule? Yes. Parenting isn’t about finding the best system that everyone loves and no one tries to breach. It is about setting guidelines, boundaries and standards for your child as a means of protection, not control. It is important as a parent that you know the difference between guidelines, boundaries and standards and when each one is the appropriate approach for your child, and yes, this will change from child to child. Not all ten years olds are alike and neither are all sixteen year olds, so no sense creating rules that can’t be customized to each individual child because the goal is to help them learn and grow in a protected environment, not to be controlled by rules for the sake of rules.

Coasting on the Coast

I’m not a hustler. I’m not hustling. I’m not a boss babe. I’m not a mom-entrepreneur. I’m not crushing goals and achieving my dreams. I am coasting. I am living my best life that I didn’t work for, didn’t plan for, didn’t carve out, but my best life because it is my life that I am allowed the opportunity to enjoy fully on a daily basis.

I live on the coast and I have reached the part of my life where I just coast. I am not climbing hills or mountains, I am not reaching for the stars, I am not conquering or seizing the day. I am enjoying life daily, all the small things, all the slow and savory and sweet things, all the things I miss when I am focused and driven. I am enjoying the ride, enjoying the peace, enjoying the fragrant smell of salt air and hibiscus flowers. 

I invite you into my life, not because it is amazing, exciting or fantastic, but because it is calm, relaxed and peaceful. Have a slice of tranquility pie on a lazy summer day on a screened in back porch or a sip of contentment tea on a Saturday morning when everyone is sound asleep and the house is quiet and still. 

I’m all about enjoying the day every day.I’m about being happy, feeling so full of peace I have to smile just to let some of it out, laughing because life is so delicious it makes me feel as giddy as a small child getting a free cookie from the grocery store bakery. I’m about finding joy in all circumstances and situations, especially the really scary and frightening ones. Life often offers moments of fear and incomprehensible tragedies for each of us, but knowing how to maintain or regain peace through those times is a skill that affords and allows me to live a life all about coasting. 

I spend my days writing (obviously), reading, enjoying all the beach has to offer, the nature of tropical Florida, the diversity of the intercoastal waterways and meeting up with friends to enjoy conversations, sports, activities and spending time together. I also spend time with my husband and grown sons discussing a myriad of topics, cooking together, shopping for supplies and treasures, and tackling all the obstacles that life throws at us. 

Gone are the days of busyness: play dates, school schedules, sports practices, birthday parties, endless chores and meals, overwhelming must haves and bills, navigating three individuals through the ups and downs of childhood and teenage years, attempting to carve out time for my marriage, for my husband, for myself while mainly failing to accomplish those goals most months. So much failure so much of the time, that taking on new responsibilities just felt irresponsible, yes, those days are gone. Time passed. We all grew up and life did its best to suppress that growth, but we kept getting up and doing it again and again and again in a never ending loop of fear, boredom and failure that finally worked. Yes, it does really work. Yes, we finally found our groove, our pace, and savored that first piece of tranquility pie and sip of contentment tea. 

I’m not coasting because I never did anything ever, no, I’m coasting because I got to that place where I get to enjoy life, enjoy the fruits of my labor, enjoy all the savory and sweet things in my life, enjoy the freedom that comes when life is simple, pure and satisfying. Will this time last forever? Probably not. But I don’t worry about it because I am enjoying today. Every day. Coasting on the coast. 

oh, How I Have missed vacations

Since Covid-19 hit our world, the ability to take trips and vacations has been removed from most of our lives. I for one miss it.

I miss the research and discussions about where we should go on vacation. I miss the excitement of finding the right location and choosing accommodations. I miss the joy of booking a vacation knowing that one day in the future we will be at the place where the photos were taken. I miss the eager anticipation as I would pack for the vacation. I miss the busyness of cleaning the whole house before we leave for vacation because I wanted to return to a spotless home with no chores to do as a way to extend my vacation. And then I miss the vacation.

I miss getting there. Whether by car or plane, the travel experience has always been one I enjoy. The hustle of making my way through a crowded airport with all the security protocols and awkwardness of maneuvering with a rolling suitcase in tow makes me feel important. The secret happiness at conquering miles when we travel by car makes me feel as if I’ll get to add my initials to the high score page on the arcade video game I’ve been secretly playing in my mind as I drive hundreds of miles to my destination. I miss all the sights and sounds and smells of travel.

I miss how it feels to check in at the service desk and treated, again, like I am important. Like I am someone who can have assistance, should I want it. If I don’t want to carry my luggage, someone will do that for me. If I don’t want to park my car, someone will do that for me. If I don’t want to make my own reservations for dining or entertainment, someone will do that for me. If I don’t want to clean my living environment, someone will do that for me. It is a nice feeling to be waited on and helped when I want it and I miss that.

I miss seeing new sights. I miss experiencing new things. No matter how nice my home is or where I live, it isn’t the same as the first time I saw something new or learned something new. I miss having new things in my life that aren’t possessions but experiences. Being at home to flatten the curve has not afforded me the opportunity to have new experiences that fill my life with goodness. I miss that goodness.

I miss relaxing. Although being home most of 2020 meant I had more time, it wasn’t a relaxing time. It was a very stressful time. As much as I craved human interaction, I dreaded talking about the pandemic. I dreaded talking about the state of the US. I dreaded talking about the state of the world. I missed having conversations about our individual lives instead of conversations that sounded more like pundits and correspondents discussing a current crisis.

I miss how it feels to sleep in and order room service. I miss how it feels to have no agenda and anything I want to do at my fingertips. I miss how it feels to be in the presence of others who are in a similar state of bliss as me. How our combined communal blissfulness makes everyone just a little bit more blissful than they were on their own.

I miss making memories. I miss seeing my sons smile as the experienced something for the first time or for the hundredth time. I miss the way my husband’s eyes look when he is enjoying the moment and not thinking about a task. I miss capturing it all with photos and videos and souvenirs.

As I look back on 2020 and fully embrace 2021, I am excited to be going on my first vacation in over 2 years. I am excited to welcome back into my life, like an old friend I haven’t seen in long time, vacations. Oh how I have missed vacations!